Birthday time

2 Months until my BIRTHDAY!! I am excited!!

Everyone get your plans together and I will be updating my birthday list.

Don't forget APRIL 28, 1983 was the day the princess was born!!

National Holiday

When I think about God's Goodness

WOOOOOOOOOW! That is all I can say about the last couple of days. It has been totally crazy and misfortunate. I was suppose to be home in ft. Lauderdale chilling with my peeps and trying to enjoy myself. That all came to an end when I was driving home on friday evening. This lady who obviously was not paying attention to the road slammed into my back and almost sent me into incoming traffic on the turnpike. My car is totaled and I am in pain as I write. Thank God that everyone in the car was okay and our lives were spared. We were really going to die but God turned that car around in a way that only he could have. It was complete madness when the whole event was happening. I felt the car coming into me but tried not to lt them push me into the dodge durango in front of us. Who knows what would have happened then. All of our lives flashed before out eyes. Its different when you are sick and on the verge of death because with this situation you have no time to think or say anything. I have never experienced anything like that and don't ever want to anymore. I don't even want to drive anymore and certain things now just make me tense up. All I can say is that my life on this earth is definately not complete. God has such a plan for me because for years now I have been looking death in the face and escaping him. This whole ordeal has made me want to do right be God even more and allowing him to make decisions in my life.
Something else I am really thankful for are my friends. They were right there for me when I was stuck not knowing what to do. Some rallied everyone and kept in prayer, some stopped at the accident, some drove how many miles to get my stuff, some came to hospital in middle of no where, some left their house in the middle of the night and drove 2 hours to pick me up, and some kept my spirits up because they could be there because too far away. I don't know what I would have done if I did not have these people around because at the time my family could not come because my mother got sick and I told then to stay. God please bless these my friends and family. I love these people and will never forget what they have all done for me. I was telling my family and they were so happy that there were people around me that they knew was going to take care of me. My family is great too. They never came off the phone and was all coming like the troops in the war in the middle east. I stopped them when I realized that my wonderful friends was there to help me. Also I know my peeps they would drive me crazy and treat me like an egg when I feel okay. They can be very overproctective.
I have a lot more to write but right now my back is hurting from sitting in this chair. I will be back with more stories later.

Its Spring Break Time

Well we are going on Spring Break starting tomorrow. I think it is the stupidest thing ever to have a spring break in February. Most places are still experiencing freaking winter like New York. They have like 3 inches of snow. What kinda foolishness is UF trying to do but its UF what do I expect. It should be an interesting few days because I feel like there is going to be trouble with my mother about my relationship. I feel she is going to try my patience but I figure if I refrain from certain conversations then we should be fine. I am just really tired of her bring up "soup" any chance she gets. It gets so frustrating because I don't want to hear about him and especially about our past relationship. I have moved on but she can't seem to get that and almost wishes my relationship to fail. The reason she is so stuck on "soup" is because he is apart of the family. Everyone is use to him and she is attached. He does everything with my family. She also thrives on the idea that he was there for me while I was in the hospital and other times I was sick. I know she just wants the best but the best isn't just because they took care of me. Many people have said "who would though?" My mother is just being very irrational and I think she thinks if she acts that way I will give in to her wants. Well I have news for her I am very happy and no one but God, him, or myself is going to change that. She won't even give him a chance and this bothers me the most. My mother and I use to be very close and ever since "soup" and I broke up all that has change. Every guy I talked to she had a problem with therefore making me not talk to her at all about men in my life. Anyways enough about that. Now you know why I am not hype about going home. I just can't take the arguments or the little smart comments. I just pray that from the last talk she and I had she will not be as bad. Keep me in your prayers. I do have something to look forward to; Rae sister is having her sweet 16 party so I get to go there. I really wish I was going to New York but neo has to work and he is coming down here march 6. It isn't that far away and I am so excited. Also that week is going to be fun because it is also rae birthday and everyone is coming up here. Also this break I get to see my kids (cousins) and the rest of my family. Don't get me wrong I am happy to see my mom but I just pray all the extra aggravation is not there. I have fun with my peeps. They are great and always have plenty jokes. They are always here for me especially my mother but a bit to over protective and controlling. She had that priviledge and now that it is taken away she is being a brat. I guess like mother like daughter.
Today I took my medication and it reacted with the medicine from my ear infection. I felt so disgusted and I missed my boy J willy's championship b-ball game. He is the head coach so this was a really big deal. I felt so bad because I think he was disappointed that I was not there. I hate being sick at times like this when people I love need me. I know I can't help it but it bothers me. I wish all of these issues will go away. All these medical stuff affect my future in such a way that annoys me at times. It is just a lot and if it is not one thing it is another. For 11 years I have been living like this. It can get discouraging at times but I try not to let them keep me down. That is why I am happy to have encouraging people around me.
I also found out tonight that my friend JA, the one I use to deal with for a little, had to go back to Trinidad because of some stuff with school. Its funny how you and someone could go through similar things at the same time. I swear our lives run very parallel when it comes to big things in our lives. I think that is our purpose to each other because when know how each other are feeling and going through. Another example is the similar things we were going through over the summer. God surely works in some mysterious ways and he really puts different people in your life for a reason. The catch with that is you can't take matters into your own hands you have to allow God to show you why this person is around. I say this because I think him and I confused our reason for meeting each other. There were so many red flags that meant stay as friends but we let other things cloud our judgment. What am I talking about, it was suppose to happen that way because if it didn't I would have not seen certain things with soup and got him out of my system. All of these situations has gotten me very aware of my surroundings and the bigger picture of what is going on in life. I will say it again one must make God lead your path because he set the design so he knows the shortcuts and roads.
Well I am getting tired finally. I had so much energy in me earlier and that is why I decided to write in my blog. Over the break I don't know if I will have too many post because my house does not have internet access so I will have to go over other people house. I will update on the things going on down south. I have questions for everyone. Why isn't that life has to be so complicated and complex? Why did Adam and eve have to eat the damn fruit? And What would things be like if these episodes did not happen?

I thank God

I really thank god for the people he has surrounded me with. I am so encouraged in the times when I need uplifting. I get nothing but positive vibes and I really need this at this time. I realize that certain people I in my life for a reason and we are going through similar things at the same time which makes the road so much easier. For example the women's group, we are all in that group for a reason and there is so much support there that makes me strong. I love those women so much and everytime I am with them I get closer to them. We are all on the same path of self righteousness that makes that journey so nice because there are no distractions by your friends since they are trying to achieve the same things. I know when I slip up they are there to caught me, correct me, and pull me back up again. Things are changing so much in my life and this is what I need. Also God has placed a companion in my life that has been there so much for me in the past couple of months. Even if we broke up today I know that he was in my life for these reasons of support, enlightenment, understanding, etc. Again I just really thank God for all of you in my life and I love all of you dearly. All of you have something unique that is so important to my life. From the bluntness to rationale to the jokes you all carry something. May God bless all richly.

What am I to do with my life?

Today I saw my advisor and basically she told me that the major I have been working toward for the past 3 and a half years has ended for me. According to her I do not have the GPA for it but the joke of it all is that I haven't taken all the classes that they calculate and I am only a tenth of a point await from the required Gpa. I am was so hurt. I feel like my college career is over. I don't know what to do with myself. I sat and wondered if I was any other school would they be so strict. I think most schools would give me a chance to see how I do in the other three critical tracking courses. The reason I did not take the other three is because of all the medical stuff I was going through. Actually I did attempt to take them and was doing well but I had to take incompletes. I explained this to her but she still did not understand because of UF policy. I am so sick of Uf damn policies that are not accommodating to people that have extraneous circumstances. I am not trying to get a special treatment or don't want to do the work, I just want UF to be a little understanding in situations like this. I feel so discouraged right now. I feel like a failure to myself and the people who are believing in me. I know things happen for a purpose but I don't know what this is trying to tell me. The reason is because all my classes are very science oriented and everything else I will be off track for. Maybe I am not suppose to be in school. The lady suggested plant pathology but I don't think that is anything I would like. I was never that interested in plants. I guess I could give it a chance but this is not the time for me to give things a chance. I have to be sure or another four years will be gone down the drain. I have been doing some research but nothing. I don't even know what I am good at. Many of you know I have no talent so where do I go from here. Does anyone have any suggestions? Can anyone tell me what they would see me as 10 years from now? I had a plan but now I don't think it is going to work out. Please I need some input and help. Suggestions

cake for me 

Its almost birthday time

I will start the 2 months count day in a few days. My birthday is Thursday April 28 at 8am (I think I have to check on that for sure). For this birthday, I want it to be special because my 21 sucked. I can't believe I am almost 22 years old. Just typing it is crazy. I think I like being 21 because it wasn't too young but not too old neither. I guess I have to grow up sometime. This year has been a crazy year so far. I have meet so many people and built on so many relationships. I have learned so much and have change because of them. I have been working on my birthday resolution but will not disclose it until later. Actually you will learn of one each week of the 2 months count down. I hope I have that many. Anyways for this birthday I want to be with my family and close friends. I don't want anything much at this time but I will continue to update you. I am leaving all the planning to the special people in my life. You know who you are and if you are reading this then you are probably one of them. Make sure you consult with each other.

Things I need for my birthday:
Love
attention
Big excitement but remember I get excited over everything so that shouldn't be hard
hugs and kisses
my friends and sisters
Neo
e-cards( they are cute)
everyone to be happy and in a good mood
coldstone ice cream cake
massages
no questions about what I want to do
special treatment (princess would be adequate) :)
if you are getting gifts-it needs to be original-something that took some thought( I will probably have a list but don't count on it.)

I think that is it for now but I will fill you in as time goes by. I love you all.

From God

I have been going through some things that I have been praying to God about. As I was praying, words came to my head so I decided to write them down . I guess God is trying to tell me something. I am trying to build my relationship and put him first but sometimes I get so side track. Its hard to pay someone mind when they are not physically. For example your parents, sometimes you neglect them because they are not around you as much. I want to do better with my relationship with God and for those reading please pray for me. I want to feel him and be always sure he is the center of my life. He has done so much for me and I feel like I have for granted him. There was a time that I was so close to him and now I feel farther than ever.

My Child why do you not have faith?
Faith that knows I can move the mountains of syni
That I can take away all affection and disease from your body
I am the alpha and omega, beginning and end
The creator of everything and everything you have is from me and can be taken from me
Wasn't I there for you
Wasn't I always proven to be true
Didn't I wipe away your tears and your shelter from your fears. Didn't you know I will always love you. I sent my only son to die for you
But it must not be enough because you still doubt me and take on battles that belong to me
You depend on yourself in times of trouble instead of me and this is why I say you have no faith.
I love you and will always be here for you but you must have faith that all things are possible through my name.

Who Is Neo?

Well for those of you do not know, Neo is my partner, companion, friend, love, and what many of you may call it "my boyfriend." He is the "barrier of light" that is what his real name means. He has been a light to me so far in this dark tunnel we call life. He has brought so much positive vibes to my life in such a short time. Each day with him makes me want to be with him more. He is a talented intelligent handsome young Caribbean( St. Kitt's and VI) American MAN. I call him neo first of all because like in the matrix he may be the "one" but I will never know until he goes through different situations and when the oracle (God) tells me if he is. Second neo is someone new and refreshing in my life. We are good together and have a connection that I have never experienced before. We complement each other. Our personalities and spirits blend on a level that I have never had with anyone else. I just know I am suppose to be with him right now. I know my feelings for him are real even though it seems surreal and fast. I know its not infatuation because my heart would not be so taken. I know many may be wondering what is it about him that makes him different from the others. How do I know its real? I have asked myself these questions too and this is what I came up with.

The first thing that sets him apart is his incredible amount of patience and understanding. Its like he knows what I am talking about even before I explain it. His intelligent yet complex mind that allows him to always look at things from all angles. The way he listens and talk, it is not just a one way street. He knows how to converse. He is a driven mature person that does not give up when things get hard. The willingness he posses to compromise in different situations exceeds any other. He knows how to treat me meaning he knows when to touch me and when not to. Basically giving me attention but not too much. Knowing how to talk to me in a way that doesn't get me upset and being able to put me in my place in a respectable way. Basically allowing me to be me while setting his standards. His will to take initiative but not coming off as controlling. His caring affectionate supportive personality. You know usually you don't get all three of those. He is hardworking and encouraging which always keeps me on my toes. He is a friend before anything else which lets me know he will always be there for me. He loves me for all my disabilities and faults. He wants a family and will be able to take care of them. He knows how to cook, clean, and believes that things should be split 50/50. We don't argue which many who know my of past relationship know that was a problem. And most of all he loves Jesus. I could go on foe hours about this but it is getting late and my ears hurt. Also don't get me wrong he is not perfect but at this point he is perfect for me. And can you believe my mother doesn't like him. She has no reason because she doesn't know him, heard nothing about him, or has seen him. She just hatin because he is not "soup". We will leave that for another blog. It is jokes for days. Well I am signing off for the night.

Huh what did you say?

I am still living in a pool. I cannot hear out of none of my ears. It hurts and makes no sense. I put some stuff in it that I think is making it worst. All day I had to lay down because that was the only thing that kept it from hurting and allowing me some sound. I am so miserable and wish it will go away. I was so excited because I thought I could go to the doctor and get it fix but I was wrong because tomorrow for so reason we have to celebrate the corrupt presidents of this country. Give me a break!!! I can't even go to sleep because I did too much of that today. I tired to sleep away my misery but now it continues and I guess i will type them away.

This is me 

Insomnia

I can't sleep and I find myself doing pure foolishness on this damn computer. I need to go to sleep because I need to go to church in the morning but I can't sleep. I need to get back on some kind of proper sleep pattern because this is ridiculous. The thing is I like sleep and I like it a lot. When I want to sleep I sleep and it is like a dentist pulling a rotten...see and I say foolishness like this so maybe I am sleepy right now. Yo sleep is a terrible thing at times. On time driving back up to gainesville from a CSA conference in miami I fell asleep on the road. Last thing I remember was counting deers as I pass them. Dumb me that was my way of staying awake but I swore when you were growing up they always told you to count sheep. Sheep and deers are very similar and I don't should have been counting at all.

Something to think about

Some jokes I wonder who made them up. For example who made the joke about the chicken? "Why did the chicken cross the road?'' The answer is to get to the otherside. That shit is not funny it is plan stupid. A chicken don't even have sense enough to know they are crossing any road. Do they know what a road it? And why would it want to get to the other side? Things like this bother me and make me want to find the person responsible to see if they have sense. I want to tell them TRY AGAIN.

I can't hear

Everyone who knows me knows I can't hear but it is for real now. My ears keep clogging up that making my up able to hear. It is hurting and I am talking loud ( not like that is very abnormal but you know I have to build some credibility to this not hearing thing). I called my mother and she told me I am going to get some sickness like I need anything else added to my plate. She puts my brother on the phone and he tells me to put vinegar in it. He was really trying to play me. The reason is I like vinegar on everything so he was just trying to be a smart ass. I feel like box him in his eye at times but I love him. So point of this blog is for everyone to pray for me that I can hear again soon.

My Day of Love (weekend)

Well I am back and going crazy. I miss neo so much. The weekend was great. I love being with him. Recap of the weekend: He had to work Friday and Saturday so I pretty much relaxed the whole day(he made up for it at night :) ). Actually saturday I was sick so I slept alot. Knowing that he was coming home in a couple of hours kept a huge smile on my face those days. Sunday was our day and we went out on the town. I went to central park and times square. I was so excited that I just kept roaming off in my own world.

Side Note: New york put up ugly bright ass orange overpriced (21 million dollars) curtains attached to metal poles in the park as a display of art. I think they lost their damn minds when people in new york are shiting in subway elevators because they have no where else to go (something I saw and had to take the stairs because I was in discuss). I tell you humans need to better in life. The foolishness I know must be an outrage in God's eyes.

Anyways, back to my story. It was cold but I was still having a lot of fun. I wanted everything around me from ice cream to crystal lighted figures. We went to the movies and saw hide and seek which was a pretty good movie. I give it a B- becuase I felt it could have been developed more. After the movies we walked around to find a restaurant but could not find anything so ended up eating at Applebee's. I hate that place with a passion now and don't think I will be going back to applebee's again especially in NYC. The food was overpriced, cold, nasty, and worst of all bad service. I did not eat therefore causing me to get sick for the rest of the night. We went back home where I was treated like a princess. The next day we went out on the town again. We meet up with M and J and went to the village. It was a very nasty day (rainy and cold). We walked around the place forever but I had fun because everyone was miserable but making made jokes. We found a nice thai restaurant that was great. I ate to my belly nearly bust. We went home and the rest of the night was...well... use your imagination :) . Lets just say the weekend that was surely something I will always remember and hope he will also. We grew so much closer that I know that we are very important in each other's lives. The way I feel I don't think anyone except him and I can understand. I will try to explain it in time when I have found words for it.

What a lovely surprise

You would not guess where I am at this very moment. You have 5 seconds... 4, 3, 2, 1 times up. I am in New York. Yeah I really did pick up myself and come to new York. I came to surprise neo for Valentine's weekend. It was a major step but he deserved it. He has been working very hard and doesn't usually get any special treatment. I have been planning this for a few weeks with a friend of mine that surprised his girl as well. It has been a lot of excitement but nerve wrecking. The reason is because I thought he would get upset with me coming to visit him so unexpected. The whole time before I came I was telling him all kinds of foolishness what I would be doing this weekend. He knew about our friend coming to surprise his girl but no clue that I was coming as well. I came in on Thursday afternoon and went to his house. His friend had his key so I was able to go inside and set up. I put up balloons and candles, put it this way it was a big production. He was scheduled to come home late but he end up coming a little earlier. He came inside and I jumped out his room. He was so surprise and he wasn't upset. I think I really made his week which was my goal. So far the weekend has been going great and I am glad I came. I feel so much closer to him its crazy. I feel like like I am on another next level with him which is pretty scary. One down about this trip is I am sick, its cold, and not snowing. Well I will let you know about the rest of the weekend when I get back on Tuesday.

I'm Baacck!!!

I have written in a while for reasons that would have to be explained over the course of different blogs. A lot has happen in my life in the past 6 months but a lot has also stayed the same. I think to explain everything I would have to break everything down into categories.

Spirituality: My relationship with God I feel has grown in such a way that I am understanding many things about my life and where it should be in the walk with God. He has a purpose for my life and I have been trying to allow him to take control but you know I am stubborn so that holds me back at times. I'm working on that though. I am going to be an important pawn in this spiritual battle that we are undergoing. He is also putting me in other people lives for a reason. He has surrounded me with so much hope. I know that I am not alone in my struggle of life. God has brought together some very strong young women to bring forth his message. It is about 8 of us and we meet every Wednesday as a support system for each other. I find myself more encourage and refreshed after being around them. Through each of our life experiences we draw closer to one another and to God. Its funny how all of us are on similarly levels in our spirituality which makes us understand each other so much more. My God has brought me through so much which has made me into the person that writes to you today. I have learned to be humble, accept correction, and leave things to God. There are many things I still need to work on especially the time I spend with him. Jesus is my friend and he deserve the same attention as I give my friends. I know I have found a reformed love for him that is building everyday if I just put him first.

Emotionally: I have been okay. At times I get depressed but I know how to deal with it now. I not as closed off as I used to about the feelings inside of me. I talk what on my mind and what bothers me. I realize that talking has allowed me to feel better about myself. Sometimes hearing yourself talk makes you hear the foolishness that comes out your mouth. The bible say the words that come out your mouth defiles you. A lesson I have definitely learned. I talk to much shit at times and I need to talk things of some significance to other people's lives. One thing I can say is that I have been a lot more happy. I can give that credit to God and a very special guy I will discuss later. We will call him neo reasons too many to explain. There is more emotionally but lets save for a later time.

Academically: This is the thing that test every aspect of my life. It seems to get me down to the point that I don't want to do anything in life. This is all I really have going for me in terms of the "real" world and I can't seem to get it right. Due to all my medically conditions that I can't seem to get rid of I have been pushed back once again. I am so tired and just want to graduate. I ask myself why is this such a task. It is so not fair and it bothers me. So you know how I said I want to be a doctor, right? Well now I don't even know if that is a possibility because of the dominoes falling in my life that affect this. I can't do one thing because of the other. Sometimes I wonder if I am really going to mount to anything. I changed my plans a little as well to going to get my masters and PhD but at the same time I am very confused. The reason I am confused because I want to do disease research but doing this I am secluded from people. I want to be around people and I feel like counseling is my specialty. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I am in my forth year of college. Talk about someone who has lost their way. I just don't know anymore. I am going to stop typing about this because it just depresses me. More to come later...

Physically: I am still fat and still trying to lose weight. This time I am for real because it is necessary medically and for me to feel better about myself. I have lost my confidence in my appearance. I don't think I am that cute anymore because I am a potbelly piggy. I know it is bad to talk about yourself like that but sometimes it pushes you to do better which is what is doing for me I think. Only thing keeping me back is the fact I like sweets and I am on the shot. My solution to that is to work harder and cut out certain things. I am going to be 125 by my birthday with my flat stomach. I have 16lbs to go so wish me luck.

Medically: What can I say except, I am glad to be alive. I glad to be able to be around my family and friends not being attach with tubes. What keeps me going is the fact that there are other people going through more than me. Don't get me wrong I get very frustrasted about the things going on in my life. I really wish it could all be over. Sometimes I say to God "this is all I can bare" but he always proves me wrong. With this situation all I can do is trust in God that everything will be okay and he will supply all my needs. There are so many people that depends on my determination that giving up is not an option. I am holding on.

Last but definitely not least- My Love Life: This part of my life has been a rollercoaster of everything. Last time I wrote the focus was on "soup" and JA. Soup and I have been through a lot that makes me wonder how we are still friends now. I think the reason why is because of how embedded he is in my family. Its funny they are so attached like he is the best thing since the discovery of white bread( whenever that was). Sometimes I have to wonder if I am the born in family or am I the ex everyone is trying to get rid of. Our experience has taught me a lot about myself and what I want in life. It was a lesson that I wish could have been told to me but overall it has made me a more well rounded person. From this experience, my mother and I have become distant but it may have been for the best for our future. As for JA, his purpose in my life was a mere friendship that may have been confused for romance since he came along at a time when everything was falling apart. He allowed me to see what I wanted and I could have it all if I just wait. Him and I are still friends and I am glad he came into my life at the time he did. I asked him once why he thinks I came along in his life and he response was to be my conscious. I know I made a difference in his life especially on how he dealt with women. It was weird on how we were each others support system because we were going to similar situations. A little while after we turned the lights on in our situation, I met neo. Neo is a young man that I can't even begin to explain in this blog but he is something new. He is the things I want without settling for foolishness that makes me unhappy. An instant connection that formed into a relationship that seems so surreal but a reality. Things between us feel so right that it scares me at times. I don't know what it is that has made me develop such feeling for him so quickly. Right now we are just seeing where time will take us in building this love. Even if we don't end up together I know that he purpose in my life would be significant ( not that I want us to not make it but you know). All I can say is that he has the key to my heart and we will leave the rest for another blog. Only Time will tell on this journey we call LIFE.