I'm Baacck!!!

I have written in a while for reasons that would have to be explained over the course of different blogs. A lot has happen in my life in the past 6 months but a lot has also stayed the same. I think to explain everything I would have to break everything down into categories.

Spirituality: My relationship with God I feel has grown in such a way that I am understanding many things about my life and where it should be in the walk with God. He has a purpose for my life and I have been trying to allow him to take control but you know I am stubborn so that holds me back at times. I'm working on that though. I am going to be an important pawn in this spiritual battle that we are undergoing. He is also putting me in other people lives for a reason. He has surrounded me with so much hope. I know that I am not alone in my struggle of life. God has brought together some very strong young women to bring forth his message. It is about 8 of us and we meet every Wednesday as a support system for each other. I find myself more encourage and refreshed after being around them. Through each of our life experiences we draw closer to one another and to God. Its funny how all of us are on similarly levels in our spirituality which makes us understand each other so much more. My God has brought me through so much which has made me into the person that writes to you today. I have learned to be humble, accept correction, and leave things to God. There are many things I still need to work on especially the time I spend with him. Jesus is my friend and he deserve the same attention as I give my friends. I know I have found a reformed love for him that is building everyday if I just put him first.

Emotionally: I have been okay. At times I get depressed but I know how to deal with it now. I not as closed off as I used to about the feelings inside of me. I talk what on my mind and what bothers me. I realize that talking has allowed me to feel better about myself. Sometimes hearing yourself talk makes you hear the foolishness that comes out your mouth. The bible say the words that come out your mouth defiles you. A lesson I have definitely learned. I talk to much shit at times and I need to talk things of some significance to other people's lives. One thing I can say is that I have been a lot more happy. I can give that credit to God and a very special guy I will discuss later. We will call him neo reasons too many to explain. There is more emotionally but lets save for a later time.

Academically: This is the thing that test every aspect of my life. It seems to get me down to the point that I don't want to do anything in life. This is all I really have going for me in terms of the "real" world and I can't seem to get it right. Due to all my medically conditions that I can't seem to get rid of I have been pushed back once again. I am so tired and just want to graduate. I ask myself why is this such a task. It is so not fair and it bothers me. So you know how I said I want to be a doctor, right? Well now I don't even know if that is a possibility because of the dominoes falling in my life that affect this. I can't do one thing because of the other. Sometimes I wonder if I am really going to mount to anything. I changed my plans a little as well to going to get my masters and PhD but at the same time I am very confused. The reason I am confused because I want to do disease research but doing this I am secluded from people. I want to be around people and I feel like counseling is my specialty. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I am in my forth year of college. Talk about someone who has lost their way. I just don't know anymore. I am going to stop typing about this because it just depresses me. More to come later...

Physically: I am still fat and still trying to lose weight. This time I am for real because it is necessary medically and for me to feel better about myself. I have lost my confidence in my appearance. I don't think I am that cute anymore because I am a potbelly piggy. I know it is bad to talk about yourself like that but sometimes it pushes you to do better which is what is doing for me I think. Only thing keeping me back is the fact I like sweets and I am on the shot. My solution to that is to work harder and cut out certain things. I am going to be 125 by my birthday with my flat stomach. I have 16lbs to go so wish me luck.

Medically: What can I say except, I am glad to be alive. I glad to be able to be around my family and friends not being attach with tubes. What keeps me going is the fact that there are other people going through more than me. Don't get me wrong I get very frustrasted about the things going on in my life. I really wish it could all be over. Sometimes I say to God "this is all I can bare" but he always proves me wrong. With this situation all I can do is trust in God that everything will be okay and he will supply all my needs. There are so many people that depends on my determination that giving up is not an option. I am holding on.

Last but definitely not least- My Love Life: This part of my life has been a rollercoaster of everything. Last time I wrote the focus was on "soup" and JA. Soup and I have been through a lot that makes me wonder how we are still friends now. I think the reason why is because of how embedded he is in my family. Its funny they are so attached like he is the best thing since the discovery of white bread( whenever that was). Sometimes I have to wonder if I am the born in family or am I the ex everyone is trying to get rid of. Our experience has taught me a lot about myself and what I want in life. It was a lesson that I wish could have been told to me but overall it has made me a more well rounded person. From this experience, my mother and I have become distant but it may have been for the best for our future. As for JA, his purpose in my life was a mere friendship that may have been confused for romance since he came along at a time when everything was falling apart. He allowed me to see what I wanted and I could have it all if I just wait. Him and I are still friends and I am glad he came into my life at the time he did. I asked him once why he thinks I came along in his life and he response was to be my conscious. I know I made a difference in his life especially on how he dealt with women. It was weird on how we were each others support system because we were going to similar situations. A little while after we turned the lights on in our situation, I met neo. Neo is a young man that I can't even begin to explain in this blog but he is something new. He is the things I want without settling for foolishness that makes me unhappy. An instant connection that formed into a relationship that seems so surreal but a reality. Things between us feel so right that it scares me at times. I don't know what it is that has made me develop such feeling for him so quickly. Right now we are just seeing where time will take us in building this love. Even if we don't end up together I know that he purpose in my life would be significant ( not that I want us to not make it but you know). All I can say is that he has the key to my heart and we will leave the rest for another blog. Only Time will tell on this journey we call LIFE.